Watching Transformers: The Last Knight… Real-time Reactions

So, I thought I’d start watching a few movies in the moments that I might instead be watching youtube videos. So, I browse Amazon Prime to see what it recommends for me to watch. I figure, it’s got to be something that I’m comfortable with watching bits and pieces of at a time. Then I see it. Tranformers: The Last Knight.

I know this movie performed terribly. I know people hated it. I’ve never seen it, however. So I thought it would be fun to watch it and to add whatever thoughts I’m having to this blog post as I watch. Hope you enjoy!

• Well… We’ve got a war going on. Crusades? This seems out of place.
• Man, those fiery catapult launches are excessive. Like, so many. CG?
• Merlin? A drunk? Why is he in this movie about robots?!?
• Poor Anthony Hopkins…
• Wait, is Merlin Stanley Tucci? *Checks* That’s great! Wait, wasn’t he in the last movie? Hm….
• This is going to be Optimus in this cave, isn’t it? Man, that won’t make any sense.
  • Eh, it looks like it isn’t. Bullet dodged.
• And now we have a three-headed dragon. Yep. And he just kinda fell on people.
• Well, we’re only 6 minutes into the movie and I have this many thoughts… I better tone it down. I’ll try to only include the important stuff.
• …. And we’re undoing all the effects of all the previous movies. At least we still have John Turturro.
• Oh, Josh Duhamel. I may be one of the few, but I thoroughly enjoy your characters. You enhance all that you’re in.
• Well, that was weird. A pep talk right after tearing down the Arthur myth. I doubt I’m going to like this girl.
• I wonder where this creator was during the war…
• I love Ken Watanabe.
• Do Transformers eat?
• Where did Mark Whalberg’s daughter go?
• How. In the world. Did they get. Steve. Buscemi? So many great actors in this movie.
• Um… so Starscream is dead? Well… that’s underwhelming.
• Oh! A picture of the daughter! Is she dead now?
  • Oh, she’s at college? That’s… convenient.
• How are these dinobots born? Wasn’t the point of the first movie that Transformers were dying out?
• I’ve been throwing out too many criticisms. I’m going to try to find something nice to say.
• How do we know about the power of the staff?
• This military plan is just bad. Just very very bad. Letting the decepticons go for… them to be the first to find something?
• Hey! I’m a drummer! Not cool.
• Well… John Goodman… you’re going to die, aren’t you? Please don’t.
• Well, those decepticons didn’t last long…
• You know, if you view this as just another cheesey action movie, it might not be that bad.
• Mark > Shia
• How are they tracking Mark?
• Well, we’re an hour in and…. the main plot has barely happened. Wasn’t this movie supposed to be about Optimus’ return?
• This is just getting weird… Why does this historian woman exist?
• Well, there was a cop with flashing lights on the screen. Now there’s not. During an abduction.
• Ah… is this woman going to be the romantic interest? Seems a bit strange to have the two of them meet for the first time after one hour and fifteen minutes or so.
• Oh, Brits and Americans making fun of each other for their respective stereotypes. Jolly good and all that, eh?
• Ah, there’s Shia. I’ll admit, I liked the little nod, even if the history doesn’t exactly make sense… like not much at all.
• Um… Bumblebee has been here since before WW2? I guess we never technically see him land in the first Transformers movie. But this is still a stretch.
• Okay, the robot butler making our music for epic moments was pretty fun. I like the character. Usually.
• So, we’re getting this huge exposition dump about an hour and twenty minutes into the movie. I feel like this needed to be at about the twenty or thirty minute mark or so. I feel like the story is just about to start.
• So… about descendants. It’s been several hundred years since Merlin’s time, right? Should his descendants be plentiful? Like, increased exponentially after each generation? How is this down to one woman?
• A time slowing weapon? Seems a bit overpowered.
• Um… yeah. Those insinuation jokes? Very weird. Very weird. Very forced. Very weird.
• “You don’t have to kill people!”- Ah… Lamp shading. Not effective, in this instance.
• Anthony Hopkins seems to be having a great time. He’s just goofing around.
• There sure is a lot of cursing in this movie.
• Wouldn’t Cybertron have huge effects on the gravity or something?
• Wait, John Goodman is alive? How? Like, seriously! How? Everybody’s just back at the junk shop?
• Not going to even give her the stick first before freaking out, huh? Yeah…
  • I wish we had some idea what this thing did before she got it.
• How did Optimus get there?
• The ship resurfacing? Cool shot. There we go, some optimism.
• Well, evil optimus was short lived. Kinda feels like this script should have gone through some revisions. I’m not sure how much evil optimus is needed.
• So, it’s not that a descendant of Merlin is the only one who can use the staff. It’s just that she has to activate it? That doesn’t make any sense. It’s not actually a safeguard then.
• Well, that’s got to take some serious muscle to clash  swords with a giant robot.
• This bit about Optimus and his redemption feels so unearned. He spent less than 15 minutes of screentime as being evil. Seriously. This is pretty lame.
• Well, Hopkins got shot. Too bad. He was definitely the best part of the movie.
• So, the staff is just the catalyst to making the planet transfer thing happen? That’s… kinda lame. At that point, that means that there was no reason to actually search for the staff.
• Wait, is Bumblebee’s voice back to not being good?
• Now that we’re nearing the end of the movie, it’s becoming more clear about what characters don’t matter. This little girl? She doesn’t really matter at all.
• WHERE DID THE DRAGON COME FROM?
• What is Optimus doing right now?
• Well, he’s finally here. Not sure why he took so long.
• I guess his voice is fine. And also, one shot is all it takes to take out the big bad girl?
• He called all the Autobots to earth in the first movie. But this movie said that the staff was calling them. Why send out another message to the autobots?
• Executive Producer Steven Spielberg?
• Yeah, that was a weird sequel teaser scene.

AND WITH THAT, THE MOVIE IS COMPLETED.

Final thoughts:

Um… that was weird. That was a poorly written story. It was all over the place, way too long, and without a real central cast of characters.

Name one character arc in the whole movie. One. I can’t. The talented cast gives it their best shot, but when you’ve got nothing to work with, it’s pretty difficult. The sad part about this is that it could have been a fantastic movie. Seriously, make the story about Optimus’ betrayal. That would work. Make it all about discovering the secrets of the ancient autobots. That would have worked too. But it tried to do way too much and failed every step of the way.

It really just needed another draft or two. Clean up what you have and give us a good Transformers movie. Of course, there were plot holes galore, many that I noted as I was watching, but I’m sure I could think of more.

All in all, was this the worst Transformers movie? Um… I’m not sure. I really didn’t like the last one. But it felt like it had potential, which is why it probably killed the franchise. Take John Turturro. What does he actually do in this movie? Cut his character out and develop other characters, and you’re good. Or give him a bigger part. I don’t care. Just do something with it.

Bleh, I feel like I need to take a shower.